I'm a moron!

Ok I wish I had saved this conversation. I was chatting to my mate Dave on MSN about a week before he was about to fly back to Perth. I asked what he was doing.
Me: What are you doing atm?
Dave: Organising my flight back up
Me: What's a flight back up?
(That was me thinking - a flight back up? Is that like a back up flight you book in case your other flights get cancelled)
Dave: My flights back up north
Me: Ooooooooooooooh
(I'm a moron - no doubt about it)

Clutching at straws here....

I realise I haven't written a 'That's Gold' in a long while....mainly because nothing that funny has happened. As much as that would shock you Simmo.

Anyway I thought that considering the last time I posted was nearly a month ago I better put another one up. For you Simmo cos it's really only you, my brother and Aaron who read this.

Last night I was at my cousins wedding rehearsal. I had to do a reading. I was kinda nervous about it because I was afraid that I would laugh whilst reading it. Luckily I made it with, delivering the reading with sincerity. Who could ever imagine I would be able to do that :P

Anyway the funny bit came when I was listening to the singers and the piano player. They were practising 'Ave Maria'. The pianist (cue girlish giggling because pianist sounds like penis) was playing the opening chords. As soon as I heard them I thought of the opening chords to 'Cheers'.
Da da da da da da da, Da da da da da da......making your way in the world today.......

So whilst Robyn and her bridesmaids walk down the aisle to Simon and the other groomsmen, I'll be singing in my head; Da da da da da da da, Da da da da da da......making your way in the world today.......

Simon when you are standing at the alter waiting for Robyn, I know many thoughts will be running through your head and I hope the knowledge that I will be thinking about Cheers will be one of them. Oh and not TV version Cheers, Simpsons version Cheers (you know the Flaming Moe's episode).

Also when I do my reading I will try my very hardest to look right at the very back because I know there will be people in the audience trying to make me laugh.

What is a meme?

Oh it's forward. I thought it was. But I still needed clarification from my brother, who has tagged me to list five reasons why I do or do not respond to memes.

How long have forwards been called memes and why was I not aware of this. Oh I know - its because I am only a lower level nerd AND also because I'm stoopid hehe.

Well clearly my brother hasn't read my blog about why I hate forwards. So give me a moment while I cut and paste it in here.

Annoying SMS Forwards

DISCLAIMER: For today's blog I have borrowed Aaron's soapbox

Did anyone receive this crappy forward on New Years Eve?

Always remember for 2007...life is short, break the rules, 4give quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably n never regret anythin that made u smile :-)
send 2 all the people u love n care 4 n dont want 2 lose in 2007 even me... if u get 3 back ur a great friend.

I friggin hate receiving these kinds of messages! Yesterday I got this one from four different people. I can tell you I don't find these things warm and fuzzy at all, rather incredibly irritating.

I don't know why people send these things on - they are nothing but soppy tripe that you wouldn't really say in real life. They are as annoying as those bullshit friendship emails that tell you what a wonderful friend you are then tell you how many people to annoy by forwarding it on so you can get a something good in return. I hate them!!!!!

But I hate SMS emails even more. Firstly because when you receive a message on your phone you want it to be for something purposeful. Secondly the only people benefiting from all of these SMS forwards are the phone companies. So why the hell do people go along with it?

The only acceptable sms forward is one that is amusing and clever. Like the recent petrol prices one. That is a message I can appreciate and can find worthwhile donating a few dollars to Telstra to pass onto other people.

What is the purpose of this blog? I guess it's to let people know that if you have my email or phone number and feel like irritating the fuck out of me then send me a crappy forward :) hehe

Ok that's the end of my rant for today,

bye!

Ok so if I review that blog I think I can pull out five reasons why I do or do not forward memes.

1) They have the potential to irritate the fuck out of me

2) Most memes are all about soppy, lovely dovey bullshit that I would never say to anyone! I'm just not that guy. (Scrubs quote for those of you who are playing at home)

3) That fact that you have to forward them on or else something good won't happen and something bad will. I mean since when do my friends and emails have the right to be so god damn demanding. I'll forward it on if I think it's fucking worthwhile in doing so thanks.

4) SMS forwards! My most hated of all memes!!!! They are always disappointing and only serve the purpose of making money for the telephone companies. I think they must be the ones who start them because they are more than aware of the many pleb's out there who enjoy receiving soppy tripe via SMS and feel it's necessary to share the tripe with others.

5) Being the Internet/mobile addict I am I always experience a little flutter of excitement with I have received new mail. Nothing is more disappointing than opening up an email to find it's one of those forwards. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Now I guess I should reiterate I don't hate all forwards, because I myself pass emails on. If they are amusing and interesting then I will pass it on, as most of you would be aware.

So now that you've read this you have to tell 100 people about my blog or you will remain disappointing in bed.

Oh and I'm not entirly sure I used meme in the right context. I apologise if I didn't and that annoyed any of you.

Laters!

ooo ooo ooo ooo aaa aaa aaa aaa

Jon and I aren't the most intelligent people in the world.

This fact is particularly reiterated when reading one of Simon's thought provoking blogs.

See Simon can behave like a dickhead (the good kind) but still have a large amount of intelligence. Jon and I are just dickheads.

That's why we came up with this analogy to explain to Simon what happens when we read some of his blogs:

Picture the two of us in front of a computer. In a couched stance, scratching our heads and throwing scat at a computer. Like a couple of primates. Monkeys. Luis from Passions.

Because that's how stupid we feel after reading one of Simon's blogs. Knowing we've only barely understood the context of his blog and knowing full well we could only muster a humorous comment rather than contributing anything worthwhile.

The image of Jon and I acting like monkeys is humorous to me, Jon and Simon. And if it's only us three who find that funny I believe it's still worthwhile for a....

That's Gold!

My Five Favourite Quotes

Simmo requested I do this. His quotes were all classy and shit. Mine won't be. They probably aren't even my fave quotes but here we go:

1) V For Vendetta
Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. [carves V into poster on wall] The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. [giggles] Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.

2) Cannibal!: The Musical
Probably the most important thing is that when things get really bad and the world looks its darkest, you just have to throw up your hands and say "Well, alright!" cause it's probably gonna get a whole hell of a lot worse.

3) Scrubs (How do you choose just one?)
What? The Todd apprieciates hot...regardless of gender.

4) Kill Bill Vol 2
Looked dead, didn't I? But I wasn't. But it wasn't from lack of trying, I can tell you that. Actually, Bill's last bullet put me in a coma - A coma I was to lie in for four years. When I woke up, I went on what the movie advertisements refer to as a 'roaring rampage of revenge.' I roared. And I rampaged. And I got bloody satisfaction. I've killed a hell of a lot of people to get to this point, but I have only one more. The last one. The one I'm driving to right now. The only one left. And when I arrive at my destination, I am gonna kill Bill.

5) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them. One ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.

Duh which button do I push again boss?

Aaron is sitting on the couch with Jon's laptop.

"Jon there's something wrong the computer" calls Aaron.
Looks at the keyboard confused.
"Whats the problem?" asks Kellie.
"The computer won't turn on" says Aaron.
Still looks around the keyboard confused.
Kellie reaches over and pushes the POWER button. The computer comes to life.
"Ohhh so you have to push it for a while" says Aaron
Kellie walks away saying "Aaron your such a technophobe".
She walks into the bathroom where Jon is fixing his hair.
"What was the problem with the computer?" Jon asks Kellie.
"He didn't know how to turn it on" replied Kellie.
Cue five minutes of Jon and Kellie pissing themselves laughing in the bathroom at the expense of Aaron.

That's Gold.

Meet the Feltchers

Tonight Aaron and I ordered pizza for tea. He rang up, placed the order and was told it would be ready in 15 mins. We headed down to the pizza shop to collect our pizza. Aaron asked the guy behind the counter is an order for Aaron was ready. The guy looked at the computer screen confused and asked if the order could be under another name. Aaron told him his last name too but still no luck. So we told the guy what our phone number was. He went away to look at the pizza orders. I was thinking that maybe our order went to another store. Then the guy came back and said "Feltcher?".

It was at this point Aaron and I remembered the stupid prank we pulled the first time we ordered pizza. Ringing up and calling ourselves the Feltchers. So we both burst out laughing and began pissing ourselves laughing in the middle of the store. The guy told us the call centre people would probably not change our name.

So for now and until we leave our house, whenever we order Pizza Hut we will forever be known as the Feltchers!

That's Gold Feltcher style!

Aaron needs new thongs!

Don't you just love Aarons attempt to get a little more wear out of his shoes.....

Jon's night on the town

Aaron and Jon organised a 'boys night' so Jon could get back on the single social scene. They arranged for a few other boys to join them to act as wingmen for Jon. The night was meant to be about helping Jon get some random drunken pashes and generally feel good about himself again. In preparation Jon went out and got a new hairdo (black with red streaks) and had his eyebrow pierced again and changed the bolt on his nipple ring. He also went a bought himself a $90 shirt from a trendy shop. So he was all set for his big night on the town.

Before the boys left the house they got warmed up with about 7 Strongbows each plus 3 shots of Canadian Club. They were feeling pretty pissed and fired up about the night ahead. I drove them into the Paddo, singing along to Aaron and Jon's karaoke CD (awesome!). After I dropped them off I didn't expect to hear from them again until the next day. That didn't end up happening. At about 1:15 am I get a called from a somewhat distressed, annoyed, angry and drunk Aaron. He began to regail me with some of the events of the night........

(I'm going to list them in bullet point form)

• Before they even left , Jon asked to borrow my tweezers so he could pluck his upper cheek hair. Then he had dilemmas as to how he should tzj (you know the Queer Eye saying, I don't know how to spell it) his shirt sleeves.
• Jon continuing his drinking at the Paddo by downing another 10 or so drinks in a very short space of time.
• Jon's inability to walk in a straight line and complete lack of direction walking to the Voodo Lounge.
• Jon being denied entry to the Voodoo Lounge for being too drunk.
• Jon going missing at the Paramount (around the time I got Aarons phone call)
• Jon vomiting all over himself - which entailed vomiting on his new shirt, his pants and shoes.
• Jon misplacing his phone somewhere (which explains why Aaron couldn't contact him)
• Jon somehow loosing his glasses - they possibly could have fallen in the toilet.
• Jon having to get out extra money for a taxi home. Unbelievably he remembered his address.
• Jon not being able to score - why wouldn't the ladies be turned on by a large man, very pissed and covered in vomit.
• Jon loudly entering the house at some point this morning shouting out "Aaron are you home?" in a somewhat distressed voice.
• Jon's bedroom reeking of vomit this morning. I so almost hurled when I went in there!
• Jon declaring he'd like to do it all again. But perhaps next time not get so pissed so he can pick up the ladies.

That's Gold Jon

Mmm.....cutlets

DISCLAIMER: I did not come up with this poem. It is written by a guy named Marco. He has two blogs and this one comes from one of them. I've added links to them - so go check them out.
I'm putting this poem up for two reasons - one is that I found it funny and clever and two is that I can appreciate a good cutlet because I too am a Wog (cleverly disguised as a skip). Enjoy!

I like cutlets, yes I do.

They come from a cow, that goes moo.

I like them crumbed, I like their batter.

I’ll have a cutlet that’ll make me fatter.

Dipped in egg and maybe flour.

I could eat them every hour.

I like cutlets, yes I do.

When I don’t get them I go “boo hoo hoo”.